Cleaning Out From Under the Rug

I suppose I owe you a little doctor update, eh? Well, I went with nerves and all and talked to my wonderful doctor about how I physically feel fine but emotionally am a wreck and I don't know how to fix it. It's so strange, I'm so satisfied with life yet my anxieties and my down days are really really rough. I think it has all spawned from not truly dealing with lots and lots within the past couple of years and my body has internalized all of this grief, despair and worry into anxiety and depression. Happens to the best of us I suppose.

Let me elaborate on my doctor for a moment. He's a first generation Indian-American (East Indian for those that get the terminology confused) and actually knows his patients. A few years back when I had only been seeing him for a year or two, we ran into each other in public and he knew my name, asked about this and that and made me feel like a human rather than something associated with his job. I don't feel like you find healthcare professionals like that. All of that being said, I feel very comfortable with my doctor and have for a long time. He's known about my anxiety dealings for many years and knows how I've worked hard to cope without prescription intervention. It didn't take him long to tell that this appointment, this bout of anxiety, was different for me than the rest. We came to the conclusion that maybe it was best to start out on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication and I was very happy with that decision. I've never done anything like this before and to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of popping pills to solve problems BUT I've reached a point where I'm so overwhelmed with the emotional dealings I'm facing that I need a little extra help and I feel like, and hope, that this will help. I'm sure all of you have your views and may not agree with my choice in this but just let it be. Right now, I feel like this is what I need to do. And I'm excited about it. I'm excited about not worrying all of the time. I'm excited about being me again.

*AMENDMENT: I do currently take an anxiety medication and have for about 5 years. This is taken on an as-needed basis for situational anxiety such as plane flights, long road trips, dentist excursions; events that are high anxiety inducing for me. A bottle of 20 pills typically lasts me from 9 months to a year. I fourth or half the pills to take so I don't take more than needed and so I can try and work through the anxieties on my own. So yes, I have taken anxiety pills before but this will be the first time I will be taking them on a daily basis. Just wanted to clarify :)*

I also think that in conjunction with this medication that I am going to go back into therapy to try and work through some of the things that I have ignored and hope that with these two things combined that I will work my way back to being fully emotionally healthy and happy again.

You know, reading through all of this I sound like such a Debbie Downer. May I make a disclaimer that I love my life, my husband, my family, my jobs, making things. I mean I don't think all of that could get any better, really. What I struggle with are things in my past that were never dealt with when needed. Just goes to show that if you continuously sweep things under that emotional rug, eventually the heap will get too big and some of that will come pouring out...which is what is happening with me. Looking at it through positive eyes, I am so lucky to have it happen now as I have an amazing support system to help me through this :)

On the thyroid front, we've put that on hold until we get my nerves simmered down some He does want to do some bloodwork to check my levels and to my surprise, wants to do another ultrasound on it as one side is, yet again, much more pronounced than the other. I'm really hoping that I will receive the same answer I got years ago - that my thyroid is just weird shaped but then there's always that little part of me that worries that it is something more. I just have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it now and just hope for the best.

So there's my medical updates.

In other news (I feel like a newscaster), I go back to teaching next week! I'm very excited about this as I LOVE teaching! It is rejuvenating and I love feeling like I'm truly helping people with a strong desire to learn. Again I'll be teaching Reading and Speaking and again am mentor teaching for the Speech class this time with a different teacher though. I've got loads to do to get ready for the classes so I should probably quit writing ;)

Today I am grateful for:

Space heaters
spagetti
listening
hand sewing
Pongo, Vimmy & Pera ;)
Sympathetic doctors
Good news from friends from afar
Dining with old friends and family
Burts Bees Chapstick
the rubber things that help you open jars
large scarves