I suppose I owe you a little doctor update, eh? Well, I went with nerves and all and talked to my wonderful doctor about how I physically feel fine but emotionally am a wreck and I don't know how to fix it. It's so strange, I'm so satisfied with life yet my anxieties and my down days are really really rough. I think it has all spawned from not truly dealing with lots and lots within the past couple of years and my body has internalized all of this grief, despair and worry into anxiety and depression. Happens to the best of us I suppose.
Let me elaborate on my doctor for a moment. He's a first generation Indian-American (East Indian for those that get the terminology confused) and actually knows his patients. A few years back when I had only been seeing him for a year or two, we ran into each other in public and he knew my name, asked about this and that and made me feel like a human rather than something associated with his job. I don't feel like you find healthcare professionals like that. All of that being said, I feel very comfortable with my doctor and have for a long time. He's known about my anxiety dealings for many years and knows how I've worked hard to cope without prescription intervention. It didn't take him long to tell that this appointment, this bout of anxiety, was different for me than the rest. We came to the conclusion that maybe it was best to start out on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication and I was very happy with that decision. I've never done anything like this before and to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of popping pills to solve problems BUT I've reached a point where I'm so overwhelmed with the emotional dealings I'm facing that I need a little extra help and I feel like, and hope, that this will help. I'm sure all of you have your views and may not agree with my choice in this but just let it be. Right now, I feel like this is what I need to do. And I'm excited about it. I'm excited about not worrying all of the time. I'm excited about being me again.
*AMENDMENT: I do currently take an anxiety medication and have for about 5 years. This is taken on an as-needed basis for situational anxiety such as plane flights, long road trips, dentist excursions; events that are high anxiety inducing for me. A bottle of 20 pills typically lasts me from 9 months to a year. I fourth or half the pills to take so I don't take more than needed and so I can try and work through the anxieties on my own. So yes, I have taken anxiety pills before but this will be the first time I will be taking them on a daily basis. Just wanted to clarify :)*
I also think that in conjunction with this medication that I am going to go back into therapy to try and work through some of the things that I have ignored and hope that with these two things combined that I will work my way back to being fully emotionally healthy and happy again.
You know, reading through all of this I sound like such a Debbie Downer. May I make a disclaimer that I love my life, my husband, my family, my jobs, making things. I mean I don't think all of that could get any better, really. What I struggle with are things in my past that were never dealt with when needed. Just goes to show that if you continuously sweep things under that emotional rug, eventually the heap will get too big and some of that will come pouring out...which is what is happening with me. Looking at it through positive eyes, I am so lucky to have it happen now as I have an amazing support system to help me through this :)
On the thyroid front, we've put that on hold until we get my nerves simmered down some He does want to do some bloodwork to check my levels and to my surprise, wants to do another ultrasound on it as one side is, yet again, much more pronounced than the other. I'm really hoping that I will receive the same answer I got years ago - that my thyroid is just weird shaped but then there's always that little part of me that worries that it is something more. I just have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it now and just hope for the best.
So there's my medical updates.
In other news (I feel like a newscaster), I go back to teaching next week! I'm very excited about this as I LOVE teaching! It is rejuvenating and I love feeling like I'm truly helping people with a strong desire to learn. Again I'll be teaching Reading and Speaking and again am mentor teaching for the Speech class this time with a different teacher though. I've got loads to do to get ready for the classes so I should probably quit writing ;)
Today I am grateful for:
Space heaters
spagetti
listening
hand sewing
Pongo, Vimmy & Pera ;)
Sympathetic doctors
Good news from friends from afar
Dining with old friends and family
Burts Bees Chapstick
the rubber things that help you open jars
large scarves
Showing posts with label gratitude journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude journal. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Positive Hyphenation
Hello readers! Hello new year!
I began this new year doing something I should have done 9 months ago...I finally changed my name to incorporate my husband's last name! I did the not-so-modern-anymore hyphenation and now have a million letters to sign when signing my last name but I will now always still have that piece of my parent's name that is so important and pride producing for me. The reason for my delay for the change? Well, there's two reasons. 1) I wanted to wait until I was done with school because I was worried that there would be the chance of records being confused and would then be forced to spend another million years chasing my tail to graduate! AND 2) I was totally procrastinating all of the hoops I would have to jump through once the change took place.
So on January 2nd, I headed to the SS office, waited for two hours and it was over. The first 30 minutes of the wait was torturous honestly but the remaining hour and a half was rather pleasant and truly flew by. Why? Well, a young lady (I can say that because she was probably 2 or three years younger than I ;) came and sat next to me and struck up an enjoyable conversation. We talked about work, name changes, schooling, children, church, waiting, house ownership, waiting, marriage and in the last five minutes, we exchanged names. It was so much fun to meet someone I didn't know and have a true blue honest conversation about anything without any previous knowledge of each other. I'll probably never see her again but I will thank her internally (and bloggily) for befriending me during those 90 minutes and reminding me that friends are anywhere we try and seek them out.
My last post mentioned a bit of new year's resolving. Well, I've yet to learn how to prepare artichokes but in the first four days of the new year, I sure have eaten a lot of them! That's something, right? ;) I have recently realized though that I think I've been neglecting myself and my mental and emotional well-being. I talk about this and that but I don't take steps to really heal, grow and evolve. I'm not as proactive about myself as I once was. I know it's only been four days, but I've been more proactive in this regard in these past four days than I have been in a long time.
I've started reading a book called How to Want What You Have which I've read about a fifth of thus far and what little I've acquired from it thus far has been so so very eye and heart opening. The author speaks of the 'precious present' and that life on Earth as we know it is life on the 'pleasure planet' and by remembering these two principals that we will begin to see life through persistantly gracious eyes and hearts. I'm working hard to overcome my anxieties and worries and these two 'P' phrases have so far been nothing but beneficial to me. If I examine life from a good, positive, pleasurable viewpoint, I cancel out the negative and scared view I've been experiencing for too long. Not to say that I always view things negatively but when those type of thoughts sneak in, they overwhelm me and take over. I don't want to sit here and forever blog about what I'm worried about, what plagues me or what I'm scared is around the corner but rather, I want and plan to blog about what makes me happy, what beautiful sight I took in during the day and how I was positively affected through life for that day.
I grew up in the Methodist church and even though I don't profess to be Christian or to have any sort of set beliefs, I thank the church for instilling in me good morals and good memories had with close friends. When I was 12 years old, I went through confirmation and was baptised. Confirmation consisted of, among other things, a class covering beliefs of the said religion. I remember some things but one this I'll always remember was a story told of two angels sent from above to collect prayers. Each had a basket to collect a certain type of prayer - one for prayers of thanks and one for prayers of wants. There may have been a third angel with a third basket but I can't recall. Just sharing what I remember :) When the angels returned to the Heavens, the basket of wants was beyond overflowing while the basket of thanks was close to being empty. What a great reminder of the importance of giving thanks! Not just in prayer but in life everyday; in our thoughts and souls. I love this story because it doesn't just have to apply to religion and prayers but it can and should be applied to how we view and live life.
Today I am grateful for:
Long weekends
Car heaters
Lazy days
Impromptu movie watching
Creativity
Marriage
Positive words
Corrective eyewear
Cardinals
Playing fetch
Bowling
Falling in love
Dogpiles
I began this new year doing something I should have done 9 months ago...I finally changed my name to incorporate my husband's last name! I did the not-so-modern-anymore hyphenation and now have a million letters to sign when signing my last name but I will now always still have that piece of my parent's name that is so important and pride producing for me. The reason for my delay for the change? Well, there's two reasons. 1) I wanted to wait until I was done with school because I was worried that there would be the chance of records being confused and would then be forced to spend another million years chasing my tail to graduate! AND 2) I was totally procrastinating all of the hoops I would have to jump through once the change took place.
So on January 2nd, I headed to the SS office, waited for two hours and it was over. The first 30 minutes of the wait was torturous honestly but the remaining hour and a half was rather pleasant and truly flew by. Why? Well, a young lady (I can say that because she was probably 2 or three years younger than I ;) came and sat next to me and struck up an enjoyable conversation. We talked about work, name changes, schooling, children, church, waiting, house ownership, waiting, marriage and in the last five minutes, we exchanged names. It was so much fun to meet someone I didn't know and have a true blue honest conversation about anything without any previous knowledge of each other. I'll probably never see her again but I will thank her internally (and bloggily) for befriending me during those 90 minutes and reminding me that friends are anywhere we try and seek them out.
My last post mentioned a bit of new year's resolving. Well, I've yet to learn how to prepare artichokes but in the first four days of the new year, I sure have eaten a lot of them! That's something, right? ;) I have recently realized though that I think I've been neglecting myself and my mental and emotional well-being. I talk about this and that but I don't take steps to really heal, grow and evolve. I'm not as proactive about myself as I once was. I know it's only been four days, but I've been more proactive in this regard in these past four days than I have been in a long time.
I've started reading a book called How to Want What You Have which I've read about a fifth of thus far and what little I've acquired from it thus far has been so so very eye and heart opening. The author speaks of the 'precious present' and that life on Earth as we know it is life on the 'pleasure planet' and by remembering these two principals that we will begin to see life through persistantly gracious eyes and hearts. I'm working hard to overcome my anxieties and worries and these two 'P' phrases have so far been nothing but beneficial to me. If I examine life from a good, positive, pleasurable viewpoint, I cancel out the negative and scared view I've been experiencing for too long. Not to say that I always view things negatively but when those type of thoughts sneak in, they overwhelm me and take over. I don't want to sit here and forever blog about what I'm worried about, what plagues me or what I'm scared is around the corner but rather, I want and plan to blog about what makes me happy, what beautiful sight I took in during the day and how I was positively affected through life for that day.
I grew up in the Methodist church and even though I don't profess to be Christian or to have any sort of set beliefs, I thank the church for instilling in me good morals and good memories had with close friends. When I was 12 years old, I went through confirmation and was baptised. Confirmation consisted of, among other things, a class covering beliefs of the said religion. I remember some things but one this I'll always remember was a story told of two angels sent from above to collect prayers. Each had a basket to collect a certain type of prayer - one for prayers of thanks and one for prayers of wants. There may have been a third angel with a third basket but I can't recall. Just sharing what I remember :) When the angels returned to the Heavens, the basket of wants was beyond overflowing while the basket of thanks was close to being empty. What a great reminder of the importance of giving thanks! Not just in prayer but in life everyday; in our thoughts and souls. I love this story because it doesn't just have to apply to religion and prayers but it can and should be applied to how we view and live life.
Today I am grateful for:
Long weekends
Car heaters
Lazy days
Impromptu movie watching
Creativity
Marriage
Positive words
Corrective eyewear
Cardinals
Playing fetch
Bowling
Falling in love
Dogpiles
Monday, December 29, 2008
Unwrapping Emotional Packages
Christmas is over. Sigh. It was a whirlwind and it was a heavy holiday this year but it was nonetheless a good one. We were all over the state to visit all the appropriate holiday festivities and were well exhausted by the end of it. We even had family to our small abode Christmas evening!
I read, as I'm sure many of you did, about the Santa Shooter. It disturbed me so very very much. The main item of disturbance was the fact that this man, dressed as Santa, shot an eight year old girl in the face. She answered the door to see Santa and he shot her. How cruel. He truly stole her innocence and her family. Makes me downright sick. I'm so glad she survived and hope it doesn't plague her the rest of her life. Stories like these make me sometimes scared to be alive; scared that I may be in one of those terrible situations someday. It's of course the media that makes these type of stories more prevalent though. I need to take a break from media I believe.
During this time, I was down and thought much about how poorly I look upon American society. I've always been intrigued by the idea of picking up and relying on nothing but my senses to get me by. I'm sure I'll never do this but the idea of it is so romantic and appealing to me. This Christmas I acquired three new remote controls for three new plug-in gifts. I also received many new things to keep my jewelry habit alive and kicking. Combining these two acquisitions, I was forced to watch many movies over the break while working on jewelry. One of the movies I watched was called Into the Wild which is based off of a true story about an affluent young man who had just finished college and left to live off of the land with the ultimate goal of reaching and surviving in Alaska. It was such an appropriate film to me to watch at the time and it fulfilled something in me I needed to vicariously live through someone else.
I feel like I'm often battling an internal war between wanting to assimilate better into my culture and functioning normally versus wanting to run away and live a life without plans, without goals, without rules. When I assess my life and all that I have in it though, my drive to remain home with my family and what I'm familiar with wins. This Christmas, through heavy conversations, stark realizations, missing those no longer with us, I experienced extreme feelings of love, contentment, pride and perfection with life. It amazes me sometimes the depths we must go to realize how wonderful we have it, to realize that what matters in life is right in front of us.
This season I am grateful for:
Communication
Tears
Disabled Alarm Clocks
Family from afar
El Caminos
Friends who dig through the muck to find the gems
Family dinners eaten by those not technically family
Honesty
Working Toilets
Hot Tea
You
I read, as I'm sure many of you did, about the Santa Shooter. It disturbed me so very very much. The main item of disturbance was the fact that this man, dressed as Santa, shot an eight year old girl in the face. She answered the door to see Santa and he shot her. How cruel. He truly stole her innocence and her family. Makes me downright sick. I'm so glad she survived and hope it doesn't plague her the rest of her life. Stories like these make me sometimes scared to be alive; scared that I may be in one of those terrible situations someday. It's of course the media that makes these type of stories more prevalent though. I need to take a break from media I believe.
During this time, I was down and thought much about how poorly I look upon American society. I've always been intrigued by the idea of picking up and relying on nothing but my senses to get me by. I'm sure I'll never do this but the idea of it is so romantic and appealing to me. This Christmas I acquired three new remote controls for three new plug-in gifts. I also received many new things to keep my jewelry habit alive and kicking. Combining these two acquisitions, I was forced to watch many movies over the break while working on jewelry. One of the movies I watched was called Into the Wild which is based off of a true story about an affluent young man who had just finished college and left to live off of the land with the ultimate goal of reaching and surviving in Alaska. It was such an appropriate film to me to watch at the time and it fulfilled something in me I needed to vicariously live through someone else.
I feel like I'm often battling an internal war between wanting to assimilate better into my culture and functioning normally versus wanting to run away and live a life without plans, without goals, without rules. When I assess my life and all that I have in it though, my drive to remain home with my family and what I'm familiar with wins. This Christmas, through heavy conversations, stark realizations, missing those no longer with us, I experienced extreme feelings of love, contentment, pride and perfection with life. It amazes me sometimes the depths we must go to realize how wonderful we have it, to realize that what matters in life is right in front of us.
This season I am grateful for:
Communication
Tears
Disabled Alarm Clocks
Family from afar
El Caminos
Friends who dig through the muck to find the gems
Family dinners eaten by those not technically family
Honesty
Working Toilets
Hot Tea
You
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Gratitude
i'm posting immediately after another post :) i'm on a roll today.
so when i was in college, i saw an oprah show that talked about gratitude journals. a young girl had somehow lost her life and her mother had found her gratitude journal which was full of all the things her daughter gave thanks for at some point in her life. the story was very touching but was touched me more was the idea of giving thanks for everyday occurences. shortly after, i purchased a small journal and began my own gratitude journal which i continued for about four years. i LOVE to read back through it and read what i had written. often, it takes me back to that very day or reminds me of a trip i was on. that little journal has been many places. then one day i quit. i've no clue why. and i miss it. and i'm resurrecting it. here. today.
so today i give thanks for:
dancing with my dad
laughing while getting ready in the mornings
having heat
impending holiday excitement
writing
reconnecting
hot tea and a well balanced breakfast
trucks that take two to drive them
i plan to keep it up this time.
so when i was in college, i saw an oprah show that talked about gratitude journals. a young girl had somehow lost her life and her mother had found her gratitude journal which was full of all the things her daughter gave thanks for at some point in her life. the story was very touching but was touched me more was the idea of giving thanks for everyday occurences. shortly after, i purchased a small journal and began my own gratitude journal which i continued for about four years. i LOVE to read back through it and read what i had written. often, it takes me back to that very day or reminds me of a trip i was on. that little journal has been many places. then one day i quit. i've no clue why. and i miss it. and i'm resurrecting it. here. today.
so today i give thanks for:
dancing with my dad
laughing while getting ready in the mornings
having heat
impending holiday excitement
writing
reconnecting
hot tea and a well balanced breakfast
trucks that take two to drive them
i plan to keep it up this time.
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