Tis the season for helmets

For Christmas this year, I received two pairs of galoshes. I had searched and searched for months before trying to find some myself and had ZERO luck. I even had one young worker at a store who had never even heard of the word galoshes. Seriously? Apparently, I had harped around enough to let it be known that I was in the market for some of these shoes and was gifted the pair of pairs!

Today I'm wearing my galoshes and I'm not happy about it. I'm down for some rain here and there and often times, need a good washing from the sky to match my mood but as for springtime storms in this part of the country, I'm not so welcoming. We've got possible severe storms in the forecast and it's got my stomach in knots. I love living in Oklahoma more than I can express but this time of year, I find myself wishing I had a spring retreat in a non-tornado-threatened area to abscond to. I'm pretty sure this time of year scrapes precious moments off of my life much more than other times of year. The worry I go through has my body manifesting anxieties in not so friendly ways. Did I mention I hate tornado season?

Now, try teaching while having a huge chunk of worry in your body. Now try explaining tornado season to people who have only lived in this country for a few months. Try acting brave for them. Try to act like it's no big deal. I don't act. I tell them like it is; that I'm petrified of pulling a Dorothy Gale and that nothing scares me more than springtime storms here. I teach them weather terminology that is rarely heard anywhere but here. I teach them how to safely protect themselves when they hear the sirens. I teach them that it's okay to be scared but that it's important to keep a level head admist those fears.

Perhaps I make it worse than it should be. Many of my anxieties are anticipatory. When in the moment of the feared moment, I'm fine yet hours, days or weeks before I am sick with worry. Perhaps someday I'll welcome these type of storms the way I welcome those that arrive during other parts of the year. Perhaps.

I've informed the mister that I'm purchasing helmets for us for tornado season as I've read that blunt force trauma to the head is how most are fatally injured in tornados. He's not really down but it makes me calm down a bit. And think of the photo-ops with those helmets ;)

Did I mention that our one year anniversary of marriage is this Sunday? It is. True story.

Roses & Blood...

Hey there, Hi there, Ho there. It's been a while, I know. I manage two blogs...this one and my jewelry blog www.sheezkrafty.blogspot.com and I seem to update a widdle more on that one than on this one. My apologies. But here I am!

This one will be short and sweet and will not involve anything having to do with travel. EXCEPT that after my last post, I found great motivation and scanned a whole album of my schooling in Mexico! I've so much to tell about that trip :)

Soooooooo....what's been going on? Well, we had V-day pass last weekend. The mister is NOT a go out and eat kind of person. He really does not dig waiting and since he worked in a restaurant for years, he's just burnt out on the scene. I, on the other hand, LOVE to go out to eat. We both know these facts about the other well. So what does the mister do for V-day? He takes me to a fancy schmancy Lebanese restaurant where we had to wait for about 45 minutes to eat...and he didn't grimace once! ;) We went early to avoid the 'rush' but ended up being stuck in the 'rush' of all of the senior citizens who eat at 4 and 5 in our town. I was brushed up against a mixture of Nascar jackets and fur coats...when choosing which to be closer to, I would choose the Nascar coats. Yucky fur coats. He's not a flower buyer since we grow our own flowers and use those for gifts BUT lucky for him, the restaurant gave all of the ladies roses when they dined with them! Ha! I thought that was kinda cool. So I did get flowers after all! In addition to that, I was informed that he will take me to a spa nearby our house for a massage one of these days (and I am needing it BAD! I've got a bad thing going on in my back right now) and also gave me a box of blank switchplates. He's so good. :) So we had a really nice dinner and I had about 5 million nice glasses of wine which put me in not so good shape for the remainder of the evening into the next day. BUT it was so nice he took me out and wined and dined me! Literally! :)

My other item of note for this widdle blog is an update on the thyroid front. A few weeks ago I went back to my awesome doctor to see how these new anti-everything pills were working out...which they are working out great! I am really enjoying enjoying life! He did still want to check out my thyroid but didn't seem horribly concerned. He gave me my labslips for my bloodwork and told me to do it when I got the courage. You see, I grew up doing bloodwork from anywhere to once a month to once a year depending on my levels. It sucked royally. I was always fine with bloodwork (well, after the age of 12 or so, that is) until once when I was 16 and went without my mom for the first time and instead took the bff and my sista with me. It was that time that I fainted and my body went into shock. I don't remember much of it except it was a new tech and I watched them do the blood test (which I always did then) and he had missed my vein. Then, he pulled the needle out partially and continued to retry and find it without ever pulling the needle all of the way out. Well, I was watching this and feeling the sticking somehow in the back part of my elbow. I think I said something about not feeling well and then I woke up with blood on my arm and my two supporters FREAKING out. I guess my body went into shock for some reason and the supporters were scared I was having a seizure! I had to drink some juice and eat a cookie or something and was on my way. After that incident, I've always had a much harder time getting my blood drawn for some reason. (wow, this isn't so much a short post anymore, is it?!) Moving on...... So I kept this lab slip in my purse for a few weeks basically ignoring its presence. Then Sunday night I had a dream that I had gone and done the bloodwork and felt very accomplished that I had done so! So yesterday morning I got up and decided I would get it done after class...by myself...which is a big deal for me. Yes, I know I'm a 'grown up' but somethings make me childlike. Whatever. So I didn't tell a soul and after I was done teaching, I went and got my blood drawn all by myself! I was so proud :) One small step for mankind, one GIANT leap for little ol me :)

I'll let you know what I find the results to be! Toodles!

Cleaning Out From Under the Rug

I suppose I owe you a little doctor update, eh? Well, I went with nerves and all and talked to my wonderful doctor about how I physically feel fine but emotionally am a wreck and I don't know how to fix it. It's so strange, I'm so satisfied with life yet my anxieties and my down days are really really rough. I think it has all spawned from not truly dealing with lots and lots within the past couple of years and my body has internalized all of this grief, despair and worry into anxiety and depression. Happens to the best of us I suppose.

Let me elaborate on my doctor for a moment. He's a first generation Indian-American (East Indian for those that get the terminology confused) and actually knows his patients. A few years back when I had only been seeing him for a year or two, we ran into each other in public and he knew my name, asked about this and that and made me feel like a human rather than something associated with his job. I don't feel like you find healthcare professionals like that. All of that being said, I feel very comfortable with my doctor and have for a long time. He's known about my anxiety dealings for many years and knows how I've worked hard to cope without prescription intervention. It didn't take him long to tell that this appointment, this bout of anxiety, was different for me than the rest. We came to the conclusion that maybe it was best to start out on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication and I was very happy with that decision. I've never done anything like this before and to be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of popping pills to solve problems BUT I've reached a point where I'm so overwhelmed with the emotional dealings I'm facing that I need a little extra help and I feel like, and hope, that this will help. I'm sure all of you have your views and may not agree with my choice in this but just let it be. Right now, I feel like this is what I need to do. And I'm excited about it. I'm excited about not worrying all of the time. I'm excited about being me again.

*AMENDMENT: I do currently take an anxiety medication and have for about 5 years. This is taken on an as-needed basis for situational anxiety such as plane flights, long road trips, dentist excursions; events that are high anxiety inducing for me. A bottle of 20 pills typically lasts me from 9 months to a year. I fourth or half the pills to take so I don't take more than needed and so I can try and work through the anxieties on my own. So yes, I have taken anxiety pills before but this will be the first time I will be taking them on a daily basis. Just wanted to clarify :)*

I also think that in conjunction with this medication that I am going to go back into therapy to try and work through some of the things that I have ignored and hope that with these two things combined that I will work my way back to being fully emotionally healthy and happy again.

You know, reading through all of this I sound like such a Debbie Downer. May I make a disclaimer that I love my life, my husband, my family, my jobs, making things. I mean I don't think all of that could get any better, really. What I struggle with are things in my past that were never dealt with when needed. Just goes to show that if you continuously sweep things under that emotional rug, eventually the heap will get too big and some of that will come pouring out...which is what is happening with me. Looking at it through positive eyes, I am so lucky to have it happen now as I have an amazing support system to help me through this :)

On the thyroid front, we've put that on hold until we get my nerves simmered down some He does want to do some bloodwork to check my levels and to my surprise, wants to do another ultrasound on it as one side is, yet again, much more pronounced than the other. I'm really hoping that I will receive the same answer I got years ago - that my thyroid is just weird shaped but then there's always that little part of me that worries that it is something more. I just have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it now and just hope for the best.

So there's my medical updates.

In other news (I feel like a newscaster), I go back to teaching next week! I'm very excited about this as I LOVE teaching! It is rejuvenating and I love feeling like I'm truly helping people with a strong desire to learn. Again I'll be teaching Reading and Speaking and again am mentor teaching for the Speech class this time with a different teacher though. I've got loads to do to get ready for the classes so I should probably quit writing ;)

Today I am grateful for:

Space heaters
spagetti
listening
hand sewing
Pongo, Vimmy & Pera ;)
Sympathetic doctors
Good news from friends from afar
Dining with old friends and family
Burts Bees Chapstick
the rubber things that help you open jars
large scarves

There's a Frog in my Throat

A while back I mentioned getting my thyroid back in order. I've now taken the first step to do so. I've made an appointment for Monday to get some bloodwork done (yuck) and to see if that will help my moods and such.

I'd like to take a minute to share with you how it was ever out of order now. I find it interesting that SO many people now are coming up with adult-set thyroid disorders and now Oprah is talking all about thyroid problems so it's oh so fresh on everyone's tongues. Well, when I was ten years old before I'd ever even heard of what a thyroid was, I was experiencing problems with mine.

A bit of hereditary history though. My grandfather had extreme mood swings and anger issues they later discovered were due to his thyroid not producing thyroxine (I think that's what it is called) like it should have been. He had more than half of the gland removed and now is a teddy bear and a half. His mother also had issues as does my mother, although hers have struck her later in life. I knew none of this at 10 years old. All I knew is that when I took my 5th grade school picture for the first time, there was a mighty large lump in my throat in the photo and was forced to retake it and go to the doctor. I didn't know that my mood swings, my anger and my incessant sleeping were because of that lump as well. I thought I was just a normal child. What followed next was traumatizing for little ol me.

After the initial discovery of my lump, my goiter (which has now made a reappearance - slight but it is definitely there), I spent a few days in and out of the oncology department of the hospital. I was injected with some weird dyes, held under some large and scary machines which were to read how much of the weird dye went to my thyroid and how much went to my knee??? There was lots of bloodwork done and lots of really scary and really overwhelming moments for m that I didn't understand. New outfits were bought for each of the little 'procedures' I had to endure and Goldie's meals were had before each of them but all of that wasn't enough to make it ok for a 10 year old to go through. After the hospital work, they determined that I had an enlarged and overactive thyroid which explained my waif-like frame, my anger problems, and my sleeping issues. I was put on meds and seemed to even out quite quickly. Even I, as a child, noticed a difference. Every six months I had to go to the doctor and have more blood work done to check that the levels were still balanced and if not, my prescription would change. I was told I would have to do this for the rest of my life. Not too exciting for a child to hear.

In eighth grade, I went in for another one of my appointments where my endocrinologist would feel my neck, have my put out my hands to see if was shaky and would ask me various questions followed by more bloodwork. That particular appointment he felt something odd with the actual gland and worried that the strange shape that he felt might be a tumor. Great, fourteen years old and I was given a cancer scare (one of four I've had in my young life). I went back to the hospital and had MORE bloodwork done and an ultrasound done to tell me that my thyroid was just strange shaped, not cancerous, just weird; like me.

Years passed and many pills were swallowed. In college my thyroid levels were so good my doctor told me that if I wanted to, I could be weened off of my pills and with blood tests every once in a while, I could live without a pill every morning. This was SO appealing but scary at the same time because I could barely remember NOT having to take these pills that helped regulate me for most of my life. I rejected the idea at that point but a year or so later on my own accord, I stopped taking my pills and haven't taken them since.

Now, six or seven years later, I find myself having mood swings again, battling anxiety and depression, not sleeping like I used to and losing lots of weight. Oh, for those of you who keep asking me what my weight loss secret is, I believe it's having a thyroid disorder. I wouldn't subscribe to it if I were you. As you remember, I'm taking this year to give myself priority again and to become 'normal' again and step one of this in my personal book is to check my thyroid back out again as much as I don't want to.

So there's the story of the bump in my throat. Hopefully I'm just a little off and all will be regulated well again soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me and I'll let you know what becomes of the bump.

Positive Hyphenation

Hello readers! Hello new year!

I began this new year doing something I should have done 9 months ago...I finally changed my name to incorporate my husband's last name! I did the not-so-modern-anymore hyphenation and now have a million letters to sign when signing my last name but I will now always still have that piece of my parent's name that is so important and pride producing for me. The reason for my delay for the change? Well, there's two reasons. 1) I wanted to wait until I was done with school because I was worried that there would be the chance of records being confused and would then be forced to spend another million years chasing my tail to graduate! AND 2) I was totally procrastinating all of the hoops I would have to jump through once the change took place.

So on January 2nd, I headed to the SS office, waited for two hours and it was over. The first 30 minutes of the wait was torturous honestly but the remaining hour and a half was rather pleasant and truly flew by. Why? Well, a young lady (I can say that because she was probably 2 or three years younger than I ;) came and sat next to me and struck up an enjoyable conversation. We talked about work, name changes, schooling, children, church, waiting, house ownership, waiting, marriage and in the last five minutes, we exchanged names. It was so much fun to meet someone I didn't know and have a true blue honest conversation about anything without any previous knowledge of each other. I'll probably never see her again but I will thank her internally (and bloggily) for befriending me during those 90 minutes and reminding me that friends are anywhere we try and seek them out.

My last post mentioned a bit of new year's resolving. Well, I've yet to learn how to prepare artichokes but in the first four days of the new year, I sure have eaten a lot of them! That's something, right? ;) I have recently realized though that I think I've been neglecting myself and my mental and emotional well-being. I talk about this and that but I don't take steps to really heal, grow and evolve. I'm not as proactive about myself as I once was. I know it's only been four days, but I've been more proactive in this regard in these past four days than I have been in a long time.

I've started reading a book called How to Want What You Have which I've read about a fifth of thus far and what little I've acquired from it thus far has been so so very eye and heart opening. The author speaks of the 'precious present' and that life on Earth as we know it is life on the 'pleasure planet' and by remembering these two principals that we will begin to see life through persistantly gracious eyes and hearts. I'm working hard to overcome my anxieties and worries and these two 'P' phrases have so far been nothing but beneficial to me. If I examine life from a good, positive, pleasurable viewpoint, I cancel out the negative and scared view I've been experiencing for too long. Not to say that I always view things negatively but when those type of thoughts sneak in, they overwhelm me and take over. I don't want to sit here and forever blog about what I'm worried about, what plagues me or what I'm scared is around the corner but rather, I want and plan to blog about what makes me happy, what beautiful sight I took in during the day and how I was positively affected through life for that day.

I grew up in the Methodist church and even though I don't profess to be Christian or to have any sort of set beliefs, I thank the church for instilling in me good morals and good memories had with close friends. When I was 12 years old, I went through confirmation and was baptised. Confirmation consisted of, among other things, a class covering beliefs of the said religion. I remember some things but one this I'll always remember was a story told of two angels sent from above to collect prayers. Each had a basket to collect a certain type of prayer - one for prayers of thanks and one for prayers of wants. There may have been a third angel with a third basket but I can't recall. Just sharing what I remember :) When the angels returned to the Heavens, the basket of wants was beyond overflowing while the basket of thanks was close to being empty. What a great reminder of the importance of giving thanks! Not just in prayer but in life everyday; in our thoughts and souls. I love this story because it doesn't just have to apply to religion and prayers but it can and should be applied to how we view and live life.

Today I am grateful for:
Long weekends
Car heaters
Lazy days
Impromptu movie watching
Creativity
Marriage
Positive words
Corrective eyewear
Cardinals
Playing fetch
Bowling
Falling in love
Dogpiles

May 2009 Be the Year of the Artichoke

I suppose since it's the end of the year, I'm expected to review the year and list expectations for the new year? Well, here's at least an attempt at that.

Needless to say, this year has been a crazy one! Luckily we went through no major deaths like last year but there was lots of healing to be done this year from hardships that have occured in the recent past. Not completely healed but on the way :)

Let's see, this year several things have occured: I got MARRIED for one :) This is wildly important because I'm the type of person to never have a realy relationship, to never allow myself to be loved by someone else and here I am, happily married to my best friend. Truly. Knowing we'll always be each other's side kicks makes me happy every which way possible. We celebrated having our 80lb puppy for over a year now. Never thought I was a dog person and never thought I'd have a big dog but look at me now! I love our beast love having him as part of our lives. I completed an internship in Hungary focusing on English teaching practices in the country. I did this a little less than a month after being married and left the mister at home due to money constraints. I missed him terribly but find comfort in the fact that we can survive away from each other from time to time if needed. The trip was an amazing experience and I fell in love with the country. Perhaps one day I'll return :) What else? Well, this was the year that my father had an argument with a large firework and ended up in the ICU burn unit on a ventilator for three days. That was a tad bit stressful. But all turned out fine and became a reminder of how lucky we are to have each other, near or far. The mister, the beast and I took an 11 hour road trip across country for a wedding days after I returned from Hungary - it was the longest time the beast had been in the car which he did wonderfully with! The mister and I amazingly do very well on the roadtrips if I can keep my anxious little mouth shut about my car fears :) It was a great trip and is always nice to get away. Of course we all know that this was the year that I completed my comprehensive exams and graduated with my Masters in TESL! NEVER thought I would finish any type of schooling let alone a MASTERS! I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself for completing that endeavor :) What else, what else? On a lighter note, I cut off over a foot of hair again, was recognized for my jewelry work, met Pharrell Williams (who I'm secretly in love with), finished my first year of teaching, rearranged a few rooms, discovered my husband is a master juggler (seriously) and discovered that artichokes and brusselsprouts are long lost friends of mine. So there's my year in a nutshell.

What do I expect for 2009? Nothing really. I do hope to overcome some of my fears through having my thyroid regulated again - I haven't been proactive with working with it in years and am VERY suspicious that regulating that will help many of my anxieties...I hope, I hope. I hope to continue to be a successful teacher and continue to learn from my students while learning what works best for them. I hope that our marriage continues to be as enjoyable as it has been and that we become better partners than we already are. I hope the jewelry biz keeps kickin like it has been. I hope my family all finds the happiness they are seeking. I just hope for good and to be able to see the good.

So a New Year's Resolution? Not sure that I have any. Just want to continue taking care of myself and raising the best beast, mister and fuzzbuckets that I can. And I'd like to learn how to prepare artichokes from scratch. I suppose that's my resolution.